Making Your World Bigger

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I live in a small world.

I get up, put my cycling gear on and head out the door to work in Dublin. I do my work day, mostly in the office in the city centre and sometimes out and about around the country. At the end of the day, it’s back into the cycling gear, train home, make dinner, watch some TV and bed. Gym one or two evenings a week and I also venture out to the Dublin suburbs to stay with my Grandad one or two evenings too.

At weekends, I’m also pretty boring – long cycles around Kildare, Meath, Laois or out towards the Wicklow mountains. Then it’s food, meeting up with friends for coffee around Kildare or doing something nice with my cousin and my little goddaughter. I drink about 5 times a year and go out on the town even less than that. I love a good night out and getting my dance on, but the opportunities are few and far between these days with most of my friends (who I would do these things with!) having moved away or emigrated.

But I’m also the kind of person who is quite happy in myself and mostly content in my own company – reading, cooking, going to the cinema, following sports, whatever. I’ve always been good at keeping myself entertained and finding something to do.

I love my little world. It reassures me in many ways and I feel lucky to have somewhere I feel safe and somewhere I can call home.

But lately, I have started to feel like my world is too small and I have this itch to break out and blow it wide open – run in every direction and see where it takes me – let it tear me down, re-design me and build me back up, one foreign brick at a time.

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Breaking Out

I was lucky enough to be given a last minute opportunity at work to go to Scotland for a week to take part in a work-related course. I jumped at it – to my surprise more than anyone else’s… I am such a person of routine – I make the same things for dinners, for lunches and supper – I do much the same things every day of the week – but when given the opportunity to drop it all and have a whole week of newness and the unknown, I didn’t even hesitate.

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Funky building in a park in Hamilton where I went for a wee walk

I had a great week in Scotland, despite a wee bit of rain 😉

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Big building in Hamilton, Scotland where I was for the week

I met loads of great people with incredible experience, who were a joy to meet and get to know.

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I didn’t take any pics as I was driving, but this cool looking island could be seen all along the coastal drive and it was amazing looking!

I saw a whole new country with stunningly beautiful scenery.

I felt free.

This trip reminded me of what life is about and what my soul really wants. I forget this. I forget because the day-to-day needs and foggery gets in the way, clouds my view and makes me forget. It forces my soul to submit, conform and behave.

But I don’t want to conform anymore.

I want to be bold, break out and live in the big, big world around me.

Tomrrow, I go to the south of France to see the Tour de France in person. First stop Biarritz, then on to Pau, Toulouse and Rodez. I can’t wait. Sun, tiny villages in the south of France, pro cyclists up close (and hopefully personal) and pure unadulterated freedom.

Freedom to roam, freedom to discover and freedom to just be me. Away from everything I know, all the crap and away from my little world into a much, much bigger one.

Going Further

Going further

In running, there are certain distances you become accustomed to. 5km, 10km, 10 mile, half marathon, marathon etc. These are milestones every runner grows to know intimately – you learn to recognise how you feel at certain distances and what to expect physically and mentally at different points, the result being that you develop a kind of mental store and psychological toughness that helps you be better the next time. But when you’ve ran enough races, you also learn to know how you can expect to feel at the end of certain distances. For example, even though I haven’t run for over a year, I can remember exactly how I would feel after a 5km parkrun Vs. how my body feels after a half-marathon race Vs. after a marathon.

With Cycling, I find it a lot less clear cut. I could cycle an 80km today and be in bits tomorrow. Or I might cycle 100km today and be up for cycling another 70km tomorrow, no bother. There have been some days recently when cycling 37km to work on back to back days has just knackered my legs. But where is the sense, I ask you?

Apart from being able to draw the obvious conclusion that the harder the ride and more effort you put in, the more it will take out of your body and the slower it will be to repair and refresh. And the hillier the cycle, the tougher it is – also going to tire you out more.

But generally for cycling Vs. running, there are no milestone distances to focus on – or maybe there are and I’m just out of the loop! Oh well…

Some cyclists seem to work with time, rather than distance. You cycle for an hour a few days during the week and then go for a three hour ride at the weekend, for example. I don’t work that way. I like to map out a ride beforehand and then see how long it takes me. Next time, I try do it faster. That’s what motivates me. I’m less good with a “three hour ride” because for me that’s just a licence to sit on my ass and flooter away three hours coasting along at my ease.

So I stick with distance. Up to this year, I’d never ridden over 100km, with the longest cycle I’d have competed being around 91km. So I cracked out mapmyride and mapped a few 100km -ish cycles and worked my way up to them. Then I did a race a few weeks ago which involved a 105km spin around Carlow and over Mount Leinster. I loved it.

Today I took a spin from Naas to Kilkenny, travelling through Athy, Carlow, lovely Leighlinbridge and Bagenalstown along the way. The weather was a bit crap to be honest with dark clouds, some rain and a headwind most of the way… but I was happy out just to find I could actually make it all the way to Kilkenny. Needless to say when I arrived in Kilkenny 3 hours 41 minutes later, I was delighted with life and Kilkenny was buzzing with people, despite the rain.

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I had booked to get the train back from Kilkenny to Sallins and had a bit of time before my train was due. I knew exactly how to spend that time.

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What is cycling, if not really good coffee and cake?

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After all, it’s the worst kept secret in cycling that the only real reason cyclists actually cycle is for the coffee and cake. And it’s worth it every time 😀

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After wandering around trying to find a coffee shop that I could safely leave my bike outside without fear of it being pinched, I came across the Pantry on Kieran St., which was exactly what I was looking for. Really good coffee and a good selection of homemade baked goods, as well as soup, sandwiches and hot lunch options too. I really just wanted somewhere to sit down and rest my weary bones for an hour, while indulging in a much looked-forward to pick me up.

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Nice design and good, friendly atmosphere, you can’t go wrong.

The staff were lovely, the coffee was excellent and my cupcake was just grand. The bun could have been fresher and the icing was a bit over-sweet, but I was starvers so it tasted great anyway. Good spot and I’ll be back again.

Next Up. Now that I’ve gotten past the 100km mark, I’d like to build on that and be able for greater distances. There’s a clatter of 200km events in Ireland that look fab but I’m a long way from being able to remain upright for 200k. But it gives me something to aim for – oh, you know how it goes… citius, altius, fortius… better.

Happy Sunday & Random Good Stuff

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I haven’t bloggged for a couple of weeks and I’ve been feeling rather guilty about the whole thing. So you’re getting me today – me and a summary of some of the random good things that have been going on lately.

But firstly, of course – Happy Sunday!

1. I just finished Holding by Graham NortonIt’s already received a lot of positive publicity with people saying such things as Mr Norton could easily give up the day job, if he wanted to. I don’t agree with those sentiments, purely because life is a lot more fun with the Graham Norton show in it and I get the feeling Graham wouldn’t want to anyway. He’s a funny, funny man and his chat show is one of the very few I actually watch and have the best laugh with. His novel? Exceptionally well written with an amusing storyline and his wit is seamlessly laced between the lines. Very true to Irish people and Irish rural life, I found it enjoyable to read from start to finish – something I don’t often say. I’d recommend.

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2. BANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND!!!!!!!!! Second bank holiday in the space of two weeks lads, I’m starting to get used to this three day weekend malarky and short weeks at work. Ah, so good…

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3. Speaking of which, I kicked off the weekend by heading out to the Punchestown Horse Races on Saturday with my Mum, Aunt and my Dad. The Punchestown festival comes to Naas every year and while I don’t get a week off work to enjoy it all as I once did when I was at school in the town, it’s still always great to head out to the racecourse for a day and enjoy the festival atmosphere. I left home with 25euro, I returned with 64 euro #ThankYouHorsies

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4. Popped out on Friday night to see The Guardians of the Galaxy part 2 (or whatever it’s called – you know which one I mean!) I went along to the see the first one and wasn’t that bothered about seeing it or not seeing it, but actually just found that I really enjoyed watching it and had a good giggle sitting there in the dark. Likewise, I wouldn’t have cared much whether I saw the second movie or missed it – but I went on Friday and had a good giggle and a few proper laughs. It’s so rare these days to find a movie that actually makes you genuinely laugh so if that’s what you’re in the mood for, then grab a bucket of popcorn and head out with a mate. You won’t regret it.

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5. Netflix’s Thirtenn Reasons Why – Has anyone else watched this? I’ve been working away at this series for the last week, watching one or two episodes each evening and I’m finding it hard going. If I’m honest, I’ve only persevered and continued to watch it because there’s nothing else on or because I’m too lazy to seek out something better. There’s bugger all on Netflix (Ireland) at the moment and I’m not impressed 😦

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6. I recently started getting the train home from work some days and I am loving it. I cycle in to work (Naas to Dublin) every day but it’s a bit of a distance at 37km so some days I opt to get the train home from Dublin to Sallins and then cycle the remainder from Sallins to Naas. Most trains have a bike rack so you can slot your bike in and then sit down and relax for 30 minutes. It’s also dirt cheap at the moment – 4.60 from Dublin to Sallins one way or even better – 3.56 if you use a leap card. Sold!

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7. I’m expanding my bike mechanic skills – rather slowly, I admit, but I am so proud. I can now fix a puncture AND change out an entire wheel. I got some new tyres which I popped on all by myself. No, you’re right – there’s actually no skills involved in that whatsoever but I’m digging it. I feel pretty badass, all this self-sufficiency.

If only I could figure out some actual mechanic skills, like how to stop my back brakes from sticking to the wheel. For another day. Don’t want to learn everything in one day or there’ll be nothing new left to learn, right? 😉

Lastly… I’m eating a lot of this at the moment…

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I’m a bit fan of Lidl’s version of this but when I run out and am just to lazy to drive all the way out to Lidl, I give in and pay an extra euro for fancy Jordan’s granola. Dry, with milk or my favourite – with greek yogurt and some berries – for breakfast, post-training or supper, it tastes good and it’s a filler-upper. AND it’s packed full of nutrition – oats, good. Almonds, good. Raisins, good. Probably a bit more sugar than I’d like, but it’s about balance people. Stop with all the sugar ridiculousness.

Out.

 

Hazelnut & Almond Granola Slices

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I try to eat healthy most of the time during the week and then allow for some unapologetic confectionery at the weekend on the day of my long run or long cycle as it is nowadays. A Galaxy Caramel or Toffee Crisp, or maybe some Galaxy Revels or a Mars ice cream. I usually try to keep it to two or three items and then let the rest of my suppers and snacks take the form of healthier options – fruit, yogurt, granola, nuts or some kind of a combination of a few of these.

A couple of days a week I treat myself to an americano and granola slice from Insomnia Coffee Co. in Dublin. I like that they offer a coffee and pastry deal, the staff are unbelievably nice and… I really just love their granola slices. It’s the kind of treat that makes you keep going back just for that one thing.

I used to love a muffin with a coffee as a treat but nowadays I find if I go for that option, it tastes great in the moment but then I get a caffeine and sugar rush that leaves me feeling jittery and light-headed. And I’m hungry an hour later. I like the granola bar option because it doesn’t give you that same pure sugar feeling – the oats are high fibre, low GI that allow for a sustained slow energy release but they also bring a rich caramel, almost butterscotch flavour that means it still tastes like a really good treat.

I feel bad, however, paying for something that I really should be able to make myself. I mean, hey, how hard is it to make a granola bar? Well, actually… while it’s not hard to put together a granola bar, it IS hard to get it right. You can bake or not bake it. Then if you do bake, it’s very easy to either underbake it and end up with a soft granola bar or overbake it and end up with a dry result. Then there’s getting the proportions right – the amount of oats to butter/ sugar/ syrup is essential because again you want to have good flavour but you don’t want it to be too wet or again, too dry.

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Getting it just right is a skill.

In defence of my extravagant granola-bar-eating-habit, I have tried numerous times to recreate the Insomnia bar. I have come close, but never quite close enough. I wonder if i ask nicely, will the nice Insomnia people just give me their recipe? Please 🙂

In the event that they don’t get back to me 🙂 … I want to share my recipe with you guys. These are delicious and any time I make these, they vanish pretty darn tooten quickly from the kitchen. Everyone, it seems, likes a good flapjack.

They got oats. Irish oats. They’re good for ya 😉 Oh and butter – haven’t you heard? It’s apparently good for you too now.

Eat up. Yum yum. 😉

Makes 16 Bars –     250 calories each (4006 calories for whole recipe) –

Ingredients:

Rolled Oats – 250g

Butter – 150g

Brown sugar – 75g

Golden Syrup – 3 tbsp

Hazelnut nibs – 30g

Hazelnuts – 20g

Ground almonds – 30g

Flaked Almonds – 50g

  1. Line an 8″ x 8″ x 2″ pan with baking parchment and grease with butter or oil.
  2. Pop the butter in a pan and stir until melted. Add the sugar and golden syrup.
  3. When the sugar, butter and syrup are all nicely combined, mix the dry ingredients together and then turn into the pan with the melted stuff. Give it a thorough stir.
  4. Pour the mixture into the greased tin and flatten it out to an even level.
  5. Bake 180 degrees celsius for 25 minutes until they’re brown around the edges — I like a bit of colour on top (don’t be afraid to have a look as they’re baking and check the colour on top) They may still seem soft and almost underbaked when you press into the center of the pan but do not worry, they’ll set completely once completely cool.

I quite like mine from the fridge but by all means, if you prefer to enjoy yours at room temp, have at it!

Bike Chains: Which to Buy

SRAM Red 22 11 Speed Chain - 114 LinksI’m an enthusiastic amateur cyclist and while I’ve a loooonnnggg way to go before I’m any kind of cycling expert, I’ve learned a few bits and pieces in my short career in the saddle. As things break down, become worn out or go wrong, situations arise where I need to fix or replace things on the bike.

Like it or not, I’ve had to learn a few things. Simply put, if you don’t fix it, you can’t ride it.

The most recent thing to go wrong with my bike was my chain snapping. I was out on a ride when suddenly my chain just vanished from my bike. Annoying and a wee bit tragic when I’d just finished all the hard parts of the ride and was just about to slip into the easy part of the ride home… but I lived to tell the tale so I cannot complain! 🙂

I brought my bike to a local bike shop and the nice chap there told me that the chain on my bike was not a very good one. He checked the tension in the chain with a special measuring tool and explained that while it’s okay for now, I’d probably need to replace the chain before the summer.

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The bike fella explained to me that I should also replace the cassette on the bike at the same time because the chain and the cassette wear down at the same rate. All of this was new to me so I thought I’d do some research for any other novice cyclists out there and break it down for you all. Here’s what you need (or just might WANT to know – because who doesn’t love some useful trivia?!) :

Bike Chains:

The bike chain is the bit on the bike EVERYONE knows about. When you were a kid, your chain probably “came off” all the time so you probably regularly had to run Dad to ask him to put the chain back on. Or you learned to do it yourself. That was pretty much all I knew about bike mechanics until the last couple of years when I started into triathlon.

The bike chain is part of what’s called the “drivetrain” and is what links the whole thing together to make your bike go. The chain is how the rider transfers power to the wheels.When you pedal, you push the pedal down and cause the crank arm to rotate in a circular movement.

Most bicycle chains are made from alloy steel, but some are chrome plated or stainless steel to prevent rust, or simply for good looks.

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The pedal your foot pushes is attached to the end of a “crank arm” and you push this around in a circle. This arm (at the other end) is fastened to a circular piece called the “chain ring” – this piece has metal teeth all around the outside and the chain sits on top of it. As you pedal, you push the arm around in the circle, this turns the chain ring, which then moves the chain.

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The chain ring

Most bikes have two chain rings – one for higher gears and one for lower gears. When the going is tough, you switch down to the lower gears to make it easier on yourself. When your bombing down a hill, you up the gears to the higher level because it’s easier to pedal and you’re able to push a higher gear.

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Bike Cassettes:

Still with me? Nearly done. Like I said, the chain sits on top of the chain ring which you’re pushing around with your foot – but to be able to rotate, the chain needs something else at the back to rotate around. Otherwise, how would it be able to move full circle? So at the rear of the bike, attached to the rear wheel, you have the “cassette” – a cluster of other metal toothed circles. Also known as “sprockets”. These metal toothed circles are all different sizes. The bigger ones feel easier for your legs to push, while those smaller ones are harder.

So the chain sits into the grooves of the cassette in the same way it sits into the grooves of the chain ring and when you push pedal around, you move the chain ring which moves the chain and the chain is able to spin around the cassette at the back in a circle.

The Rear Derailleur is just a part which the chain is fed through (see the diagram) and sits to the bottom of the cassette. This is the part responsible for changing gears. When you click your little lever to switch gear, the rear derailleur is the part that lifts the chain from one metal toothed circle at the back (or sprocket) to another.

Now you’re an expert! No actually you’re really not. But no one ever explains these things to you and I only recently learned these basics when I started to really look at my bike and how it all works. Most people don’t want to know or couldn’t care less but I’m a bit of nerd that way…

Wear and Tear:

As you ride and change gears, the chain, chainrings, cogs and derailleur wheels pull and rub on each other. You’re advised to apply lubricant to act as a barrier between these parts as they rub off each other but between washing and weather (rain washes it away and sun evaporates it away) metal-on-metal contact will happen (don’t blame yourself 🙂 ) When this happens, tiny shards of metal get stripped away and the parts get worn down and deformed out of their original shape. Grit flung up from the road also adds to wear. Think of the steps of an old building getting more and more worn with the pitter patter of footsteps over and over and over again.

How to Know When to Replace the Chain?

The chain is the most common part of the drivetrain to wear out and need replacing. You can buy a chain checker tool online or in most bike shops.

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If the chain has stretched and is elongated past the recommended point, it is advised that you get a new chain and cassette (and potentially chain rings too) at the same time. If your drivetrain is noisy, hard to pedal, and, on derailleur systems, difficult to change between gears, then replacing these parts will invariably fix your problems.

Which to Buy?

The bike mechanic I spoke to recently recommended Sram chains and told me in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t even consider using any other chains as they’re just not good enough. Sram chains are compatible with Shimano cassettes so don’t fret, you don’t have to replace your entire drivetrain.

What you need to keep in mind when buying a new chain is that chains come in different “speeds” which have to match the cassette, ie an 11 speed cassette will need an 11 speed chain. Why? The distance in between the sprockets varies depending on whether there are 9, 10 or 11 of them. The gap will be wider on a 9 speed cassette than on an 11 speed one. Chains designed to fit a 9 speed bike are therefore wider in width and 11 speed chains are narrower.

Sram Red 22 – 45 euro – What Sram say… This chain features more heavily chamfered outer plates for improved shifting and quieter running. It boasts strength, incredible shifting efficiency, and light weight. It uses Sram’s PowerLock connector pin and weights in at 242g. Other features include a nickel silver finish on the inner and outer plates.

Sram Force 22 – 43.70 euro – Like, the Red 22 chain, this one also features nickel plated plates on inside as well as the outside. Weighs ever so slightly more at 256g.

Sram PC 1170 – 43 euro – Nickel silver outer and grey metal inner plates. Weighs 256g. Narrower chain.

Sram PC 1130 – 23 euro – This chain is recommended for use with Sram’s Rival groupset. It weighs 259g.

What’s the Difference Between them All? 

Apart from the price… not a lot. The Red 22 and Force 22 chains have nickel plating on both sides of the plates which will help prevent corrosion and look prettier. The PC 1170 and 1130 chains do not have the inner nickel plating meaning they’re more susceptible to corrosion and likely to ware out quicker. There’s negligible difference in price between the Red 22 and Force 22 Vs. 1170 so I don’t know why you wouldn’t just go for the Red 22 or Force 22.

I researched these chains to death on the internet trying to find detailed information on any of them and what the differences are but I found hardly any information out there. Just people churning out the same blurb that Sram do about the “more heavily chamfered outer plates for improved shiftin….” blah blah blah. Not very helpful folks. What would be great would be if Sram could spell out the features and differences so buyers can understand. Or maybe that’s the idea – there are practically no differences but they don’t want you to know that and you being a twit buy the more expensive one because you assume it must be better. God damn it marketing. I am the worst offender here, for sure.

I think if you live in a wet area, like Ireland, you’re probably better off to go with the Red 22 or Force 22. It’s worth noting that you can usually buy these chains online at a significant discount on sites like wiggle or chain reaction cycles so why not go for them over the cheaper 1130 if you can get a bit longer out of them?

SRAM Spare Connecting Pin
Sram’s powerlock – this pin joins one end of your chain to the other, making a circle – stronger and more reliable than traditional connector or “cotter” pins

I hope you enjoyed that little lesson in bike basics and chains. Next up, I’ll be looking at cassettes – differences between them and which ones to buy.

All prices are intended as a guide and are approximate only -they will vary depending on where you buy them.

 

Running Injuries: Light at the End of the Tunnel

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I know you all must be just dying to know how my foot injuries are progressing – it is such an exciting topic, I fully understand. No, it’s really not. I’m bored talking about it, telling people about it, explaining why I can’t run, what happened (or didn’t happen- because like most running injuries, there isn’t just one big kablam moment where the injury occurs…) etc, etc. However, given that this is a running blog (kinda 😉 ) and that I’ve talked about the injuries quite a bit on here, I feel for the continuity sake, I should pop an update up.

Having seen two physios, my GP, two orthopaedic surgeons and ran multiple blood tests, MRI and xrays, my most recent visit was to a rheumatologist. It had been suggested to me that a possible cause of my ongoing foot pain (along the base of both feet and around the lateral parts and under the toe areas) could perhaps be a rheumatological issue. In particular, it was speculated that I could have rheumatoid arthritis.

The Good News!

Rheumatologist said I most likely do NOT have rheumatoid arthritis. Yay! Of course being a doctor, he wouldn’t say that I definitely did not have it, but he ruled it out for the moment, which I’ll take and run to the hills with as fast as I can.

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His view was that the likely cause of my foot pain was due to the mechanics of my feet -which is what the last orthopaedic surgeon thought AND also what my new physio has said too.

The Boring Details

Essentially, I have a bad bunion on my left foot which has caused my big toe to lean so far inwards that it has rendered the big toe essentially ineffective in terms of the running motion. When the foot hits the ground, the normal movement is for the foot to roll from heel through the foot and then push off from the big toe. My big toe is turned so far inward that the foot basically is not rolling off the toe, but rather off the bunion. The other toes on that foot are also doing more work than they should be and taking more of the impact than they should be as a result of the redundant big toe. This too has caused the lateral arch running beneath the toes to collapse somewhat (explaining the pain in that area). The joints have also become more angled as a result of the constant impact of running.

Blah blah blah… to sum up? Bad foot biomechanics.

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These are not my feet- but no one wants to look at those. Dog feet every time.

The Bad News

All those aforementioned experts voiced the opinion that running marathons is probably too much for my feet given the fundamental limitations of their structure. They can’t take the constant pounding that feet with good structure and mechanics can – it’s simply too much. The physio that I’m seeing now has worked with athletes for many years and her opinion is that i should stick to triathlons and runs up to the distance of a half-marathon.

I’m not going to lie to you, while I know what she is saying makes complete sense, I have not completely accepted this. At least, not yet. There are so many marathon races around the world that I would love, love, LOVE to do (Boston, NYC, London, Berlin…how are ya?) that I’m not quite ready to let all that go. I’ve dreamed about these for years and you only live once. (Or at least, I can only remember living one lifetime!) In my head, I know they’re right but in my heart, this is too far a leap just at the moment. This is something that will take a while for me to come around to.

The Best News

Despite what I just said, the best news IN THE WORLD is that with more rest, careful rehabilitation and oodles of patience, there is no reason why I will not be able to run again. I also don’t (touching all the wood) have rheumatoid arthritis or any other lifelong horrible limiting condition that I have to live with, which I am so grateful for. These two things are without doubt, the greatest news and the relief and hope I feel right now is pure awesome.

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I got some new orthotics custom made by the new physio (thank you Eileen) and am currently breaking these in, as well as doing the exercises and stretches she has prescribed.

I am also one with my bike at the moment, despite the crappy weather and multiple named storms that have swept our not-so-green island the last few weeks. Biking to work some days, biking at the weekend and oh how wet all that gear can get…

Alas, a good excuse to buy more gear because hey, I need a second string of clothes while the others are drying 😀

Runners and Injuries: Not Letting Panic Triumph Over Hope

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This is a subject extremely close to my heart. In fact, it’s so close to the surface that I’d swear if you stood close enough to me, you might just be able to hear my heart beating out “Help me, I’m a runner”…

I’m going through this right now. I may not be an elite athlete, but I am 100% a runner at heart. It’s what makes me smile, lifts me up, allows me to escape everything for a few hours everyday and honestly makes me feel like some kind of superhero. On the outside, I might look like a hot, sweaty, flailing mess… but on the inside I feel like Mo Farah. I feel like me.

One missed session in my weekly training plan makes me uncomfortable and I’m very bad at just “letting it go” but sometimes weather or unforeseen events just happen and you have to suck it up.

One week without running – usually only happens when I’ve just ran a big race like a marathon or half-ironman – I struggle with not being able to get out for a run for this long because regardless of how physically tired my body might be, I miss the fresh air and time outside, the peace and quiet. But I persevere for the sake of rest and meaningful recovery.

Suck it up.

More than one week… Huh???!! It has been years since I’ve gone more than 10-14 days with no running. Sometimes you do need a good rest as a runner and head-wrecking and all as it may be, you tolerate it because you KNOW that in a few weeks time, you’ll be back out there slowly building yourself back up again.

You KNOW. So… suck it up.

Now, try telling a runner that they can’t run today, or tomorrow or even this week. In fact, it could be as long as a year… Actually, I can’t tell you when you’ll next be able to go for a run or even if you’ll ever be able to run again.

To a runner, this is devastating news. For me, I just couldn’t accept it right away – it was too much to deal with all at once and it took months for me to even come around to the idea and I still haven’t fully accepted it. When you’re used to being able to lace up and get out in the fresh air – just you and your radio – and plod along to your own rhythm, it becomes a massive part of who you are and when it suddenly gets ripped away, you feel lost – like a big part of you has suddenly been whipped away and crazy as it sounds – it takes a while for you to come around to this new version of yourself that doesn’t run every day.

You suddenly feel  – as if you’re not you anymore.

Trauma. Grief. Loss.

Heartbreak.

I don’t say these things to be flippant. I have massively missed running and the goodness it brings to my life. Life without running has left a great hole that I simply cannot fill with cycling or swimming. I have been cranky, intolerant, impatient, angry, sad, an utter basket-case at times (on multiple occasions) and I’ve cried big fat tears of frustration and loss for my life as a runner on several occasions. I’m pretty sure my Dad (poor man has witnesses a number of my ridiculous meltdowns) thinks I’m a complete nut-job but then of course that’s how it must appear to sane people on the outside.

The Phases of Running Grief – not kidding, there are actual phases …

1. Blanket denial – the physio doesn’t know what she’s talking about… she’s talking out her arse – sure I know more about running than she does and I definitely know my own body better than anyone else. I’ll be grand in a few weeks. Your biggest worry at this stage is loss of fitness – worrying about losing the good place you’re at that you’ve worked so hard to get to. Your nervous that your sub 3.45 marathon goal may have to wait till next season.

2. Bargaining – Loss of control and helplessness make the control freak runner in you start to try and rationalise it all in a vain attempt to regain some control – what if I do this next time? What if I did that better?

3. Anger – After a few weeks, nothing is better, the injury is still there and you start to panic when the realisation that it might be quite a while before you’re able to run again starts to feel real.

I followed my plan… why am I injured and X, Y and Z are not? It’s not fair… I did everything I was supposed to do? Why is it different to any other training cycle? I should have taken a longer rest after the last marathon… I should have done more strength work…  I should have eaten better… I should have said 3 hail mary’s before every run… I’m so stupid, stupid, stupid……….and why does nobody understand me?! Get away from me…. No, I don’t want chicken soup to make me feel better!!! Aagggghhhhhhh…

4. The Sad Bit – crying in a pathetic curled ball on the floor as your running gear starts to gather dust, as the races you signed up to months ago all come and go.

Mourning the loss of running as a friend and of that huge part of you that is tied up in running. It’s not just a hobby- it’s who you are first thing in the morning, the feeling you carry with you all day having completed a great run that morning, Parkrun with you friends on a Saturday morning and coffee afterwards, the long run on a Sunday morning listening to the Marian Finuacan radio show and the heavenly after-feeling of that effort as you chill on the sofa drinking coffee, watching Downton Abbey.

Acceptance? Nah. See number 1. I’m an optimist and I love running far too much to ever give up on the idea that I could be out there running some day soon.

I choose hope, rehabilitation and optimism. So maybe I’ll have to keep spinning the wheels of this cycle for a little while longer- going through the phases of denial, anger, sadness – but I won’t stop hoping and I won’t give up.

I saw a new physiotherapist this week and for the first time since I got injured I heard the words “I see no reason why you shouldn’t recover and get back to running”. Like the saddo I am, I nearly cried when she said this. It’s the first positive thing I’ve heard from the rounds of Doctors, physios, orthopaedic surgeons and other specialists in a year. She gave me hope – she didn’t promise anything and she did stress that the first goal would be to get back to a place where I have no pain in my feet just as is. Then, we can look to bringing walking back. Only after that can we even consider bringing running back in.

This could take quite a while to get to that stage but right now, I feel hope – I can see a finish line. Not sure of the distance yet but I can see one drifting about in the wind somewhere out there – I just have to be patient, follow the right path and not be stupid.

Then maybe, just maybe… I’ll be a runner again.